Monday, July 12, 2010

The Band Who Wasn't There

By Nick
House of Heroes was scheduled to play a show at I Love Evelyn on the 11th. Being a huge fan of the group, I naturally wanted to go. The last two Evelyn shows were in the Broad Street Park, a sort of enclosed place in the middle of downtown with some picnic tables and such. The doors were supposed to open at 7:00, so I headed down their about 6:45.
As I passed the "park", I could not see anyone there. There were no tables set up like last time. There was no tell-tale fifteen passenger van. It was completely empty. It was like one of those poorly-written end-of-times movies-"Where did everybody go?"
After cruising around downtown for 45 minutes, and finally getting some help from a helpful dude (props to you, whoever you are), I found out that I Love Evelyn was not having any events until a film screening on the 31st. This was aggravating. All the online tour dates posted on Myspace and Facebook showed House of Heroes playing in Texarkana on the 11th. There was no sort of cancellation notice from I Love Evelyn in any form, except for a cryptic message on their old building to the effect that they were "taking a break", and would be "coming back stronger". The entire sequence of things was surreal. Given my fertile imagination, I have come up with several possible scenarios of why House of Heroes never showed up.
1. They all got drunk. In Christian Rock circles, the hip way to say this is "Their van broke down".

2. The band was in a hospital in Minnesota, waiting for the return of their bassist's spirit to his body from his travels through hell, purgatory and heaven. He plans to write a book later titled AJ's Divine Comedy.

3. Their drummer, Colin Rigsby, was in love with a Russian spy, and as a result the entire band had to go to Washington to testify to his innocence.

4. The group took a wrong turn going from Dallas to Texarkana and ended up on the gulf coast, where their van and equipment was ruined by an oil slick. After that, they came up with a genius plan to plug the leak which involved stuffing the members of Seabird in the hole headfirst. The plan was abandoned as it involved the possible destruction of endangered species, and they decided to use the bass player from the Wedding and stuff him in the hole instead.

5. The members of House of Heroes are in actuality superheroes, and were busy saving the world from thugs, terrorists, and The Backstreet Boys.
6. Jared Rigsby, their guitarist, had to take time off for his other job as a stunt double for Jerry Seinfeld.

Jerry Seinfeld

Jared Rigsby

7. They were kidnapped by pirates. They are now at work recording their newest record, Yo-ho-ho And A Bottle of Rum, in the belowdecks of the Leviathan. A recent interview confirms this.
Interviewer: How is the new album shaping up?
Tim: Aargh!
Colin: It be just fine, thank ye.
Interviewer: Are you going to add any new sounds to the record?
Tim: Cannons!
Colin: And screaming people!
Interviewer: What is that parrot doing on Jared's shoulder.
Tim: He no talk. The parrot talks for him.
Parrot: Squawk!
Interviewer: What do you feel was your personal song on the new record?
Tim: Methinks he asks too many questions. Make him walk the plank.
Colin: Toss the scurvy dog overboard.
Interviewer: But, this is for the fans. They want to know all about the new record.
Tim: Dead men tell no tales!
Colin: Have fun interviewing Davy Jones, hahaha!
Parrot: Squawk!
Interviewer: No, you can't, this is-
Tim: Belay the gab, landlubber.
Transcript ends here

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