Notes from the Music Teacher (and others), part 3

Dear Messrs Berry, Buck, Mills, and Stipe,
We're sorry, but your music does not fit our needs at this time. We feel that your singer does not have enough hair, and his voice is too nasally. Also, a name like REM will not appeal to many people.
Signed,
The Record Company Man.

Dear Mrs. Johnson,
Jack has been placed in detention for skipping class to go surfing.
Signed,
The Economics Teacher

Dear Mrs. Daniels
Your son Charlie is being removed from choir. He refuses to sing properly, and instead shouts in a loud voice.
Signed,
The Choir Director

Dear Mrs. Daniels,
Your son Charlie is being removed from Orchestra. He plays his violin too fast and uses improper technique. He refuses to sit down to play his instrument, and he gives the other musicians bad feelings.
Signed,
The Orchestra Director.

Dear Mrs. Daniels,
Your son Charlie is disrupting my class. During my lectures on the Civil War he repeatedly shouts "The South's gonna do it again." If this pattern of behavior continues, I will have to take action.
Signed,
The History Teacher.

Dear Mrs. Daniels,
Your son Charlie is failing comparative religions class. He keeps insisting that "The Devil went down to Georgia", even though this has no basis in any known religious tradition.
Signed,
The Comparative Religion Teacher.

Dear Mr. Ives.
Your current image does not reflect the record company's needs. A recent poll shows that audiences prefer singers who weigh less than 200 pounds. We insist that you change your image to suit this development. Also, we do not believe a Christmas recording would be commercially viable.
Signed,
The Record Company Man

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Crosby,
Your son Bing sings too softly for choir class. He needs to improve his vibrato.
Signed,
The Choir Teacher

Dear Mrs. Armstrong,
I am not making any progress with Louis. I suggest you point him to a different hobby, such as checkers.
Signed,
The Voice Teacher

Dear Mrs. Stevens,
Your son Sufyan is failing choir. He does not pay attention during class. When I try to teach he sings to himself, or scribbles on his music. His voice lacks definition, and he sings too quietly. I suggest moving him to shop class.
Signed,
The Music Teacher.

Dear Mrs. Bach,
Your son Johnny shows absolutely no aptitude for music whatsoever.
Signed,
The Conservatory Director.

Dear Mrs. Malmsteen,
Remind Yngwie that he will only become a good guitarist if he practices.
Signed,
The Guitar Teacher

Dear Mrs. Rodgers,
Tell Jimmie that yodeling is not part of our music curriculum.
Signed,
The Music Teacher.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Tubb
Ernest is a disturbance during choir. He spends all of his time winking at the girls.
Signed,
The Music Teacher

Dear Mrs. Carter.
A.P. is not aware that in choir one must sing at all times. "Bassing in" is not a recognized feature of classical vocalism.
Signed,
The Music Teacher.

Dear Mrs. Beethoven.
No matter how much I rebuke him, Ludwig never seems to hear what I'm saying. I suggest you discipline him at home.
Signed,
The Teacher.

Dear Mrs. Stravinsky,
Your son is failing music theory.
Signed,
The Professor.

Dear Ms. Hildegard of Bingen,
You are failing music theory class. You need to watch out for those parallell 5ths.
Signed,
The Professor.

Mr. Adam Duritz (Counting Crows)
The correct way to say the phrase is "Mr. Jones and I."
Signed,
The Grammar Teacher.

Dear Mr. Dave Matthews,
Thank you for sending us your demo CD. We regret to inform you that it does not fit our current needs at the time. We suggest that you work on your enunciation and write shorter songs.
Signed,
The Record Company Man

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Williams,
After much consideration, I am dropping Hank from the choir. His voice is not suited to the choir's needs. His voice sounds thin and stretched, he does not widen his mouth enough, and he is unable to enunciate words properly. He has shown up late for class, or skipped class several times, and has given as his excuse that he was "honky-tonkin', honey baby", or that he was "down on the bayou." Yesterday he greeted our piano teacher with "Hey good lookin', what you got cookin'?" He also seems to have problems with depression and social awkwardness. He told me that "he was so lonesome he could cry." I suggest setting up an appointment with the school psychologist. I think that deep down Hank is a good kid, and I hope that he will see the light.
Signed,
The Music Teacher.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Yankovic,
Your son Alfred shows talent and potential on the accordion. I think that if he continues to practice it could help him overcome some of his social difficulties.
Signed,
The Music Teacher