Monday, September 6, 2010

Classic Reviews-Led Zeppelin IV

Transcript of Music in Review Volume 1: 9-6-2010

Me: Hello and welcome to another exciting episode of "Music In Review". Today we'll be reviewing the exciting Led Zeppelin IV by Led Zeppelin, which is-.
Enthusiastic Led Zeppelin Fan: The Best Album Ever, by the Best Band Ever. No mortals ever walked the earth who could compare to the gods of Rock. Not even Steven Seagal!
Me: Thanks, that's nice.
Enthusastic Led Zeppelin Fan: They were the greatest band ever. Just listening to their music makes you awesome. Just looking at their records, even, makes you awesome.
Me: Yes. Anyway, Led Zeppelin's fourth effort starts out with a bang with "Black Dog"-
Enthusiastic Led Zeppelin Fan: Which is the greatest beginning to an album ever! Just look at the amazing Lyrics.
"Oh yeah, oh yeah, ah, ah, ahh.
Oh yeah, oh yeah, ah, ah, ahh."
That is genius. Shakespeare, Wordsworth, Bob Dylan-they were all just Robert Plant rip-offs.
Oversensitive Beatles Fan: Dude, what are you talking about. Robert Plant sounds like some girl when he's sings this. The song sounds like it's staggering out of bed to get some hangover pills after last night's binge.
Enthusiastic Led Zeppelin Fan: Exactly. It's one of the greatest rock-and-roll moments ever.
Oversensitive Beatles Fan: Ever Heard of "Helter Skelter". It's like this song, only it has rhythm, and the singer doesn't sound like some namby-pamby girlyman.
Enthusiastic Led Zeppelin Fan: The Beatles are horrible-worst band ever. Led Zeppelin is the greatest band ever. Never doubt that truth.
Uninformed Music Critic: What the heck? What is this music? It doesn't sound like Linkin Park.
Enthusiastic Led Zeppelin Fan: Nothing Sounds like Led Zeppelin. The Bandmembers weren't born: They just suddenly appeared from the cosmic vibrations.
Me: Thank you for that opinion. The second track.
Anorak: You know, there's this band called Vanilla Fudge, and they were like Led Zeppelin, only they were around before Led Zeppelin, and they were better.
Me: Anyway, the second track, "Rock and Roll"-
Enthusiastic Led Zeppelin Fan: is the definition of Rock and Roll. It is the ultimate Rock and Roll song! Led Zeppelin invented rock and roll.
Oversensitive Beatles Fan: No, you fool, Elvis invented Rock and Roll.
Anorak: Actually, Xavier D. Elmsley invented Rock-and-Roll twenty-two years, three months, and two days before Elvis began his musical career.
Uninformed Music Critic: Dude, I thought, like, Guns and Roses invented Rock and Roll. And Nirvana, and stuff.
Me: The question of who invented Rock and Roll is still up for debate. Anyway, the song is propelled by Jimmy Page-
Enthusiastic Led Zeppelin Fan: The Greatest Guitarist Ever! Robert Johnson, B.B. King, Buddy Guy, Hendrix, Jeff Beck, Clapton, Van Halen-they were all talentless losers. Jimmy Page invented the guitar.
Oversensitive Beatles Fan: Are you crazy? All Jimmy Page did was steal music from black people and play it through his static-y sounding amplifier really loud, and people thought it was cool. Hendrix is a great guitarist. Jimmy Page is a lousy, rhythmless white guy.
Uninformed Music Critic: Have you guys ever listened to Atreyu? That guy is a good guitar player. Or Slash from G'n'R. Or the guy from Breaking Benjamin.
Me: The third track, The Battle of Evermore-
Enthusiastic Led Zeppelin Fan: The soundtrack to my Life. I listened to that whenever I was getting ready to have an argument with my girlfriend.
Me: Your girlfriend?
Enthusiastic Led Zeppelin Fan: Yeah. She broke up with me, because she didn't like how I would kiss the first four Led Zeppelin albums every night before I went to bed.
Me: That is a bit disconcerting.
Enthusiastic Led Zeppelin Fan: If I was gay, I would write Love Letters to Jimmy Page. But I'm not gay, I swear.
Me: OK, then. Back to the song-
Oversensitive Beatles Fan: Robert Plant switches from a high-pitched feminine whine to a stomach virus growl on this track, which is the most boring, slow, acoustic track ever written. Other than that White T's song that all the chicks like a couple of years ago.
Anorak: "Hey There Delilah."
Oversensitive Beatles Fan: Yeah.
Anorak: It was written for:
Me: That concludes the discussion of that song. By the way, guys, can we use abbreviations? The guy who's typing all this out is getting kind of tired.
ELZF: Sure thing.
Me: Thanks. Side one ends with Led Zeppelin's master piece, Stairway to Heaven-
ELZF: THE BEST SONG EVER WRITTEN! Listening to that song is heaven! It's just proof that The Led Zeppelin bandmembers are the most powerful beings in the universe, even more powerful than Apocalypse from X-men.
OBF: You are certifiable. That song is one of the worst, most annoying songs ever written.
Me: That's a little harsh.
OBF: After you've heard it for the 14,876,765th time, you'll feel the same way.
Me: Well, it's not my fault you listened to the classic rock station too much.
Anorak: You know, if you play Stairway to Heaven backwards, you hear Highway to Hell by AC/DC.
UMC: Dude, I didn't even get to interject my opinion on the last song: I thought it was too slow. Staind has better acoustic songs. And this Stairway to Heaven stuff is stupid. It's not the Best Song Ever Written- There are better songs by Good Charlotte, or FallOutBoy, or Linkin Park. And It's so long! I mean, even that one song by Avenged Sevenfold isn't that long.
ME: And with that...interesting thought, let's move on to side two
The Doorbell Rings
Me: It's the Pizza Delivery Boy.
Pizza Delivery Boy: Hey! This will be $20.43
Me: David Grohl?
David Grohl: Yeah.
Me: But...Why?
David Grohl: The recession, man.
Me: I'm feeling you. What's your opinion on Led Zeppelin.
David Grohl: I can't say anything against them-I'm in a band with their bassist.
Me: Oh Yeah. What's that on your belt.
David Grohl: That? That's a lock of Kurt's hair. I take it out ever night and venerate it, and ask the Spirit of Kurt that he might lend me some of his amazing songwriting talent. Amen.
Me: Umm....Interesting.
David Grohl: This is strictly off-the-record.
Me: Of course.
Me: Thanks for the Pizza. I think I'm going to have to go finish this. Anyway, the next side of the album features "Misty Mountain Hop" and "Four Sticks".
ELZF: AMAZING SONGS! THEY ARE THE-wait, I don't have to use all caps. Forgive me, John Bonham. I was saying, those songs are amazing.
OBF: No they aren't. No intelligent person wants to listen to Misty Mountain Limp, and that awful Four sticks garbage.
Anorak: Vanilla Fudge-
UMC: Have you heard that new song by Kings of Leon. Awesome!
ELZF: How could you say that? Those songs are classic. They are essential. Every kid should listen to them from the time that he's three through the rest of his life.
OBF: Are you advocating Child abuse?
Me: Actually, I haven't really listened to those songs, so I'll skip to the next song, Going to California-
ELZF: It's so Beautiful. Robert Plant is even cooler than a Corvette. That song inspired me to move to California.
OBF: I would go to California if it meant I would never have to hear that song again.
UMC: That song was lame. That Katy Perry California Gurls song was better. That's my jam.
Me: That leads us to the final song, When the Levee Breaks, a cover of..of...
Anorak: Memphis Minnie.
Me: Yes, Memphis Minnie. The song features a wailing harmonica, driving guitars, and Robert Plant's screaming vocals. What drives this song the most, though, it John Bonham's drumming-
ELZF: JOOOOOOOOOOOOHN BOOOOOOOOOOOONHAAAAAAAAAAMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I'm shaking with delight!
OBF: You sick man.
ELZF: I'm crying Tears of Joy!
OBF: You are a disgusting loser.
Me: Anyway, that wraps up the album and-what happened to the Led Zeppelin Fan?
Anorak: He collapsed. I think he's crying.
ELZF: John beautiful....I love you.
OBF: He's Hopeless.
UMC: Kanye's got some pretty sweet jams.
Me: Led Zeppelin, comprised of Robert Plant, Jimmie Page, John Paul Jones, and John Bonham-
Me: Produced several successful albums, wrote Stairway to Heaven, and are credited with inventing Heavy Metal-
ELZF: Jumping off the Floor You are right. Led Zep invented heavy metal. Black Sabbath, Jimi Hendrix, Alice Cooper, Iron Butterfly-They were all posers. Led Zeppelin was the BOMB!
OBF: You loser! The Beatles invented Heavy Metal.
Anorak: Actually, Vanilla Fudge invented Heavy Metal before Led Zeppelin.
UMC: Dude, Guns 'n' Roses invented Heavy Metal. And Like, Motley Crue and Nirvana, and Disturbed.
Me: Thank you. This concludes this episode of Music in Review. Tune in next time to see me square off against a legion of 50 year old weed smokers-in other words, Grateful Dead Fans. Good night and good luck.
UMC: Dude, Breaking Benjamin is better than any of this band's stuff. Led Zeppelin isn't metal, Linkin Park, and Devil Wears Prada, and Disturbed- Now That's Metal. What about Korn? Does anybody here listen to Korn. Hello? Hello? Where is everybody? Oh well, at least they left the pizza.

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